To Boost Your Teen’s Brain, Try Success

Failure does not breed success when it comes to the brain, according to MIT scientist Earl Miller whose study of monkeys is cited in the Boston Globe article of August 3, “Why success may breed success.” When a correct response is rewarded, higher-intensity signals fire between the two learning areas of the brain. This increases the odds that the next answer will be correct too, according to Miller and his colleagues. To me, this seems more like Pavlov’s Dogs than true education, but still it sparks a question.

If success breeds success in learning, then why do we set kids up for failure every day? If we want them to succeed, we need to stop asking them to fit into a mold that doesn’t suit them and allow them the freedom to learn in ways that they learn best. This doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be challenged or try new things (at which they will undoubtedly “fail”). It means allowing them more freedom to find their own paths for successful learning.

More and more parents tell me they are searching for solutions to help their struggling teens. One girl, Laura, dislikes sitting in a classroom and often does not want to go to school. One boy, John, is a “C” student who dislikes schoolwork. Every day teens like Laura and John fail to meet others’ expectations and in the process worry their parents.

If you want your child to fail less and succeed more, what can you do?

First, tell your child, “It’s not you.” Explain that her interests and gifts conflict with some of what she is expected to do in school, but that doesn’t mean something is wrong with her. Help her pursue her interests and develop her innate abilities. For example, although Laura hates the classroom, she is already a young entrepreneur and communicates confidently.

Second, tell yourself, “I am not to blame.” Many parents feel they are somehow not doing the “right things” (whatever those may be) when their children struggle in school. This feeling probably results from the two questions most often asked when a child isn’t doing well: 1) what’s wrong with the child? and 2) what’s wrong with the child’s parents?

Instead of blaming yourself or your child, remember that the most important thing for your teen in the short- and the long-run is a loving relationship -- and put your energy into building that. Try to reduce the pressure you feel and ignore messages that tell you, “If you were a great parent, you’d have this child shaped-up and performing.” Those messages are myths.

Finally, make sure your teen has activities where he thrives. It’s not that your child shouldn’t have challenges and defeats along the way. Kids develop from doing something they love even if they aren’t “good at it” or even if it doesn’t seem to be important.

These don’t have to be formal, structured or expensive programs. For example, one week last winter John raced out the door every day after school to play in the snow. In the end, he created an intricate and elaborate snowboard park. John is learning and succeeding in this project, even though it isn’t part of his formal education.

Where there’s love, energy and enthusiasm, you can be sure there’s successful learning.

What is your child's experience?   How does your child learn best?  I'd love to hear your comments! 

I originally wrote this for Positive Psychology News Daily and the original article is here.

Parents Who Aren't Bragging in the Bleachers

A few days ago, Lynn Armitage, asked me to give parents "...peace of mind to know that we don't need to panic if our teens bring home a 'C.'  They will still be able to get into a good college and they will still have a shot at happiness."  So I wrote a guest post for My Teen, The Alien-- Lynn's funny, pithy and poignant blog.

Here's a copy of what I wrote:


Don't Worry if Your Teen is NOT a Good Student!

Listen in the grocery store, the gym, or the PTA meeting and you’ll hear what I call, “the vocal minority” – the parents whose kids are getting good grades. If your teen isn’t a top student, chances are good you’re not bragging in the bleachers. You’re in what I call “the silent majority,” since the majority of teens are not at the top of the class.

If you read the newspapers, magazines, or parenting guides, you’ll get bleary-eyed reading about the importance of good grades, good test scores, good colleges. You’ll read about “the best and the brightest” – meaning kids at the top of the class or those who go on to ivy-like colleges. You’ll learn all the ways you should “motivate” your child to do better in school or how to tutor, adapt, mold, and fix him to get better grades.

Does it ever just exhaust you? Do you ever get frustrated trying to figure it all out? Do you ever wonder, “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with my child? Why can’t we get it together?” If you answered yes to any of those questions, I have two pieces of good news: you’re not alone and it doesn’t have to be this way.

When I studied the gifts and strengths of teens who are not top students, I discovered that the reason they don’t do well in school is not because there is something wrong with them. It’s just the opposite. The reason they don’t do well in school is because they have gifts and strengths that conflict with the way they are expected to learn. It’s what is right with them that causes the problems in school.

When I looked at what is needed in our future economy, I saw that teens in the bottom 80% of their classes have strengths and gifts that are perfectly-suited to the future economy —and to world, scientific, and business leadership. The only question is how we help them to avoid feeling defeated by the time they finish school and allow them to develop the gifts and strengths that will serve them well in life. As it stands now, we leave them largely to their own devices.

In the past, some have argued that this is fine because we need to be sure we do a good job with the top students -- and if that means letting the rest of the group muddle along, that’s the price we pay. Here is the astounding fact about this argument:

I found that we are doing a disservice to top students too.

When you look at how we, as a society, have structured our approach to education, we are breeding anxiety and depression in teens at all levels of the class. I am not talking about a problem with teachers or with schools. I am talking about the system we form together as parents, voters, government, media, leaders and educators. It’s more complex than I can explain here, but if you’d like to learn more you can get a copy of my study by registering at http://www.positiveleaders.com/ .

Here’s the bottom line for you as a parent: do not worry if your child is not doing well in school.

Do worry (and get help) if your child is listless, dis-engaged, anxious or unhappy. Understand that poor performance in school means that your child’s gifts and strengths conflict with what is being asked of her. Talk with her about this. Help her to get involved in activities that bring out the best in her. Be sure she understands that she is gifted for life-- no matter how she does in school.

If you’d like to hear about engaging your teen’s gifts, call-in to Positively Gifted, Christine Duvivier’s radio program, on Tuesday October 20 at noon EDT.  Positively Gifted is a call-in radio show for parents.  It airs on the 1st and 3rd Tuesdays at 12:00 p.m.  Hear recorded shows...

Starting our kids on the right path

Today's Boston Globe Magazine has an article about stressed 5-year-olds. No, that is not a typo-- I did not accidently type 5 instead of 15. The article is about "pressurized kindergarten."

Apparently some people think it's a good idea to begin testing and assessing academic performance as early as possible. Perhaps they think that starting young will help these children to better deal with unhealthy stress they may encounter in high school.

With all the focus on preparing kids for high school -- which is then focused on preparing them for college-- we can lose sight of our ultimate goals for children. Don't we want future leaders and productive citizens who thrive in life? Adults with loving relationships who create a better world?

Perhaps those who are pushing academic assessments into kindergartens don't know that we have an epidemic of depression and anxiety, with 1 in 5 high school students having a full clinical episode. Perhaps they don't know that even when a child doesn't know he will be assessed-- but his parent is told-- the student's anxiety increases and performance worsens.

Perhaps they don't know this about college students:
"The vast majority of college students are feeling stressed these days, and significant numbers are at risk of depression, according to an Associated Press-mtvU poll. Eighty-five percent of the students reported feeling stress in their daily lives in recent months, with worries about grades, school work, money and relationships the big culprits..." says the May 21 Associated Press article on newsvine.com.

Instead of bringing college- and high school-stressors to kindergarten, we should look at what matters most for thriving in life. The data is very clear: academic performance is not a good predictor of a lifetime of flourishing. To thrive in the future economy we need less fact- regurgitating and more creativity. To help our children thrive in life, we need to stop worrying about test scores and start encouraging them to increase positive emotion by developing their gifts and strengths.

Why is it that schools from college to kindergarten aren't measuring the results that matter: how their graduates fare in life? When you look at many years of real-life data you find a very different picture than most of us are usually given. Positive emotion predicts creativity, longevity, physical health, relationship satisfaction and career success. Let's start kids on the right path and focus on what will matter most for their lives.